Slap a Goatee on Me and Call Me Evil

Summary: Evil is as evil does. A Plus One fill-in scene.
Originally posted 2 April 2018

Disclaimer: I know the law and the law would win.
Acknowledgements: Thank you to Audrey Roget for the beta!
Notes: My old buddy Rain (aka doctorhelena) challenged me to a Trope-Off for Season 11. She asked that I write a “trapped together” story. Probably not what you had in mind, nonetheless, this one is for you, my friend. Thanks for the challenge!

She materialized in the bathroom, where she sensed his evil side was waiting to make his own appearance.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, peering out from behind the shower curtain. “I thought you were doing your lurking and glaring thing.”

“She’s distracted,” she said, walking over to the sink to gaze into the mirror. So strange to see an actual reflection of herself with her own eyes, never mind having her own eyes. Did she always have these lines around her mouth?

His doppelganger snorted. “Let me guess – thrilling autopsy reports? A Forensic Files marathon? Cataloguing her pant suits?”

“None of the above. She’s with your guy.”

“NO! Seriously? Like with him with him?” He hopped out of the tub and pressed his ear against the door.

“Yeah. They were getting pretty cozy, which is why I came in here.”

“You didn’t stick around to find out?”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m evil. Not a pervert.”

“Damn. I can’t hear anything. Stupid corporealness. Being real is not all it’s cracked up to be. Now I really have to concentrate before I can walk through things.” He scrunched his eyes closed, then pushed his head through the closed door.

She expected a popping sound when he pulled himself back into the room and was disappointed by the lack of noise. They were still figuring out the rules of being made real.

“Hoo wee! You were not kidding. They are definitely gettin’ biz-ay,” he said, turning to face her. “Did you know this was a thing again? I mean, I knew he wanted it. But her?”

“C’mon. Would she have come back to the FBI otherwise? Except for her whole ‘get your shit together or I’m leaving’ drama – which you have me to thank for by the way – when has she resisted his call?”

“You’ve done a good job keeping her away.”

“Not good enough,” she said, putting the toilet seat lid down and perching on it. “You should’ve heard the conversation they had before I left. She wanted to know if they’d grow old together. And bizarrely, in the same breath, talked about having more kids. Besides that, there’s always been the longing looks, the innuendo…well, we both know you were probably behind the innuendo.”

“Nah. That’s all him. But I will take credit for his porn predilection.”

She made a sour face. “Kudos.”

He rubbed his palms together. “So what’s the plan here? Should we go out there? Give them a scare? Or are we stuck in here until they’re done?”

“Have you got a better idea?”

“But we’re evil,” he said, hopping from foot to foot. “We should do something evil. And we’re real now, we can affect – I don’t know – things.”

“You want to, what? Move shit around and hope they notice while they’ve got their genitals all over each other?”

“For an evil side, you sure are prudish.”

She pointed to herself. “I’m what makes her feel guilty after stuff like this. Evil is stopping her from feeling good or making her feel dirty after gratification.”

“If that’s true, then a lot of Church doctrine is evil.”

“Do you want to go down that road tonight? We don’t know how long we’re going to be like this. This is no time for a theology debate.”

“Exactly! We don’t know how much longer we’re gonna be like this. We should be taking advantage of our current state as much as possible.”

“And I come back to: what’s your bright idea? I don’t hear anything, so that means they haven’t started fighting yet, as per their usual pillow talk, which means they’re still in the ‘throes’. I’m not going out there while that’s going on.” She grimaced.

“We have got to update your euphemisms. My idea is: what’s your idea? This is where you should be shining. It’s a problem and you’ve always been a problem solver. You’ve usually got a handle on the more cerebral evil. I’m more of the ‘let’s punch things and drive like an asshole’ kind of evil.” He pressed himself against the door before sliding down until his backside hit the floor. She wondered if they were susceptible to germs in this condition.

“And here I thought you were behind the slideshows and tedious monologues. Okay. Let’s plot this out. What’s our endgame?”

“My feeling is that we were called into existence to actually end the game. Those twins – Chucky and Judy – they mean business.”

Her eyes widened. “Kill them? Like dead?”

“With a capital D. Sayonara. Finito.” He drew a finger across his neck for emphasis.

“Does that make sense to you?” she asked.

“Does it have to? We were summoned. Gotta do whats ya gotta do in that case.”

“But if they die, don’t we?”

He shrugged. “Only one way to find out.”

“And that seems like a reasonable risk to you? If we just maintain the status quo, then we can continue as we always have.”

“But is that satisfying? What’s the point of us anyway? What’s the ultimate evil for us? It can’t just be little sabotages throughout their lives; they only last so long. This will have the final, decisive impact.”

She sighed. “I don’t know. I can’t get my head around it. I don’t like the inevitability of it. I wish we could’ve talked to the other evil halves that Chucky and Judy have called up.”

He leaned back, lacing his fingers behind his head. “Considering they’re gone and their people are dead, I think we know where they would’ve stood on the issue.”

“Touché.” She ran a hand through her hair. How had she convinced her other half to keep her hair this long?

They sat in silence, watching one another. For an evil side, he wasn’t so bad to look at, hideous tank top aside. That must have been his idea. His evil side had a bizarre fashion sense – terrible ties, but great suits, awful loungewear that substituted for everything else. She, as an evil side, was actually gleeful when her other half decided to take over their closet. She had kept her, and herself by extension, in frumpy attire long enough. Now she and her other half could both shine and consider it a win.

Coming back to herself, she saw that he was still watching her very intently. She knew that gaze anywhere. The one that raked over her other half. For all she tried to repress her other half, she could not deny that look had an effect on her, too. God, if they had been real when they were younger–

Ugh. She shook her head. Is this what happens to Evil Sides when they get older? They get sentimental and wistful? This would not do. She was not weak. He was not weak. And they had a mission. They could do this.

“All right. I have an idea,” she announced as she stood.

“Let’s hear it!”

He moved to get up, but she motioned for him to stay where he was. She walked up to him, then over him, feet on either side of his hips, before sinking down to his lap.

His raised his eyebrows in wonder. “Gotta say, this plan has an amazing first step.”

Her hands fell to his shoulders. “Then shut up and listen to the rest.”

He put a finger to his lips and nodded.

She leaned forward, letting her forehead touch his. He rested his hands on her hips. So many times, she would give her other half no more than this. Just a fleeting touch with him, then pull away, putting that doubt in her head that it was all they could have.

Looking up at him, she said, “We’ll follow through with it, then. The end game.”

“I like. Shall we?” He held out his palm for her to take. He was always so impatient.

“Not just yet.”

He narrowed his eyes at her with confusion.

She continued. “If this is really going to be it, if it’s really going to be over for all of us, then why don’t we let them have this? Just for tonight. Let them be for now.”

“So what do we do in the meantime?”

“What if we have this, too?” she asked, biting her lip.

“This? As in this this?” He waved his hand back and forth between them.

She nodded. “One time offer. Since it’s the end. We are their evil sides, but we don’t have to be evil with each other…Unless that’s your thing, of course.” She cocked an eyebrow.

He couldn’t suppress his grin, and leaned forward to gently press his lips to hers. Oh, it was evil not to go through with it.

“Only one way to find out.”